I felt unusually untethered this past weekend. Over the last couple of years I’ve cultivated a routine that whilst exhausting, grounds me and makes me feel somewhat present in my life. This past weekend though, I was over-caffeinated and tittering with thoughts of a future I usually try not to think about. While my mind was somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, I found myself thinking about my wedding day. what kind of wedding dress I would want – something with a halter neck, do they even make dresses like that anymore? I thought about the kind of venue I would want – somewhere bucolic and green and lush – even if it’s not the NY botanical garden. I thought about the song I would waltz to for my first dance– the classic “I can’t help falling in love”?. I don’t often entertain thoughts like this and I must say dreams of this sort usually coincide with a burgeoning crush.

Whether or not I have a reason to be excited, I’m praying for a steadiness in my soul. I want to find excitement in my daily life as well. I don’t want fruitless thoughts like this, as fun as they can be, as delightful as they can be to talk about with girlfriends, I don’t want them to have power over me. Father please spare me from the sickness of deferred hope and unfulfilled dreams.