We all know what it feels like. That feeling of wanting to vent out to someone who has wronged you. Get respect back from that person who hurt you or undermined you in someway. Maybe you like to pretend everything is fine in front of them and then talk to the mirror when you get home. Or maybe you’re that person who always makes sure to confront people immediately when you start feeling “some type of way” about their actions.

Being talked over. Repeatedly.

Not being acknowledged for something you’ve done.

Being “ghosted” for no reason.

I like to describe myself as a non-confrontational person, but recently I found myself rehearsing on the toilet what I would actually say to that person when I finally saw them.

When I first moved to New York with my family, I was a 13 year old girl who felt like I had to earn my “homegirl” badge from my Middle School peers. I had a thick accent that could cut glass and knew that I was not going to form any lasting friendships with the people in my class. But I had to not get bullied, and to me the only way to avoid that was by fighting back people’s intimidation with the few cuss words I had picked up during my 2 months in school. I remember that day when this girl’s friends stopped her from picking a fight with me because they knew I wasn’t going to take it sitting down— it felt good because, I thought to myself “I don’t look like a wuss.”

Speaking Your Mind Doesn’t Mean You’re Strong

First let’s tackle the myth that a strong man or woman is one who gives full vent to his or her spirit— speaks her mind and doesn’t hold back out of fear of offending. It seems like the Bible thinks the exact opposite. Proverbs 17:10 and 29:11 call the person who doesn’t hold back a fool. Actually all of Proverbs seems to call that person unwise. And if that wasn’t enough, Proverbs 29:20 thinks there’s more hope for a fool than for a person who’s hasty with his/her words. More hope for a fool. Let that sink in.

Why Are You Doing It?

I’m sure you’ve been called out for your actions before. But have you ever been the one to call others out? If so what were your primary motivations? Was it for any of the reasons I’ve already mentioned— to feel good about yourself or to assert yourself as a bold and strong person? Or were you doing it out of love?

In Revelations 2: 1-7, Jesus commends the Church of Ephesus for their patient endurance and for calling out the false doctrine of the Nicolaitans, but he rebukes them for abandoning the love they first had for him. Sounds like the Church of Ephesus was doing all the “right things,” confronting others about their misunderstanding of the gospel and making sure that they were maintaining the right doctrines. However when Jesus was instructing John to write this letter to them, they were at a place where their actions were not being motivated by love. They had lost their love for Christ, and that sounds like a surefire way to lose love for imperfect people.

How Are You Doing It?

Since we all love the Proverbs 31 woman, let’s analyze her character and see what she would do if she felt like one of her friends were tripping. Proverbs 31:26 says that “she opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” She teaches kindness. Her intentions are not to speak without regard for others’ feelings. It’s often difficult to understand the position of those we feel attacked by. It’s easier to ignore why they’re acting the way they are, than to listen to them with the intention of understanding how they might’ve been hurt by us. And maybe they’ll agree that you haven’t wronged them in any way. But to act out of compassion will be to act in the character of Christ. That means guarding your tongue in a way that shows that you care for them— instead of focusing on getting your point across in the most scathing way. It means not getting on your phone to slander this person to anyone who wants to listen.

You know that famous verse in the Lord’s prayer that we all love? “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” If you need a reason to move on from people’s offenses, be reminded of your own sinfulness and what Christ has done, and continues to do for you (Colossians 3:13). The believer who has a good understanding of his brokenness will not jump at every opportunity to justify his feelings by attacking someone else for the pain they might’ve caused.

He'll Vindicate You in Due Time

In 1 Peter 2:23, the apostle Peter reminds us of the endurance of Christ in that “When Christ was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” Look to the righteous and just character of God and rest assured that he’ll vindicate you in due time.